Xmas Box

Jesus was born at Bethlehem in Judaea during the reign of Herod. After his birth astrologers from the east arrived in Jerusalem, asking, “Where is the child who is born to be the king of the Jews?” We observed the rising of his star, and we have come to pay him homage. King Herod was greatly perturbed when he heard this ; and so was the whole of Jerusalem. He called a meeting of the chief priests and lawyers of the Jewish people and put before them the question : Where is it that the Messiah is to be born? “At Bethlehem in Judaea”, they replied and they referred him to the prophecy which reads : Bethlehem in the land of Judah, you are far from least in the eyes of the rulers of Judah; for out of you shall come a leader to be the shepherd of my people Israel.

Herod next called the astrologers to meet him in private and ascertained from them the time when the star had appeared. He then sent them on to Bethlehem and said, “Go and make a careful inquiry for the child. When you have found him, report to me, so that I may go myself and pay him homage.”

They set out at the kings bidding; and the star which they had seen at its rising went ahead of them until it stopped above the place where the child lay. At the sight of the star they were overjoyed. Entering the house the house they saw the child was with Mary his mother, bowed to the ground in homage to him; then they opened their treasures and offered him gifts ; gold, frankincense, and myrrh. And being warned in a dream not to go back to Herod, they returned home another way.

After they had gone, an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream and said to him, “Rise up, take the child and his mother and escape with them to Egypt, and stay there until I tell you; for Herod is going to search for the child to do away with him. So Joseph rose from his sleep, and taking mother and child by night he went away with them to Egypt and there he stayed until Herod’s death. This was to fulfil what the Lord has declared through the prophet, “I called my son out of Egypt”

The Time came that Herod died; and an angel of the Lord appeared in a dream to Joseph in Egypt and said to him “Rise up , take the child and his mother, and go with them to the land of Israel, for the men who threatened the child’s life are dead.” So he rose, took mother and child with him and came to the land of Israel. Hearing however that Archelaus had succeeded his father Herod as king of Judaea, he was afraid to go there. And being warned by a dream , he withdrew to the region of Galilee; there he settled in a town called Nazareth. This was to fulfil the worlds spoken through the prophets; he shall be called a Nazarene.

In a time not so long ago in a place far away Santa had a big problem on his hands. His helpers Santa Paws & Santa Claws have come down with a “heavy head cold” or a bug from the Arctic mice. They were placed in the Elf Centre to get better but it was unlikely they would be fit for the Christmas run. Mrs Claus (Mary) tried to feed them with her famous Elf food (cling -to-the-ribs) broth but progress was slow. To add to the problem there had been a record number of “nice” pets sending there Christmas list up the chimney.

Santa had decided they were not going to be well enough for the Christmas Drop so he asked them if they knew any cats or dogs that could help out temporally. Santa’s eared pricked up when he found out that there were cats and a dog that travelled all the way to Iceland and Holland without any human help. They were kept in check by a Siamese Cat called Meezer and a stray cat with a gammy paw called NATO. Santa ran back to find the address of all these neighbourhood cats unfortunately they had all been slightly naughty this year. However Santa decided to go with these pets non-the-less.

There was no time to lose, Mary made up her special “flying broth” for the reindeer and Santa was gone in a flash. Before long they arrived close to the Thurso River with Rudolph taking a sharp left at the Springpark Shoppie. They found a strip of grass and landed safely. Santa then took a drink of his special elixir which allowed communication between pets and Santa. He walked up to the Sinclair’s house and ghosted through the back door. The pets all agreed to help Santa but Bessie the Beagle felt it was going to be a long cold night so she grabbed a couple of biscuits from the “Num Num” jar. . Joining the Sinclair pets were Cinders, Bad Ass, Young Tabby, Claude and Douzen the Dutch cat and, Mia the Icelandic cat Titmarch declined the offer as there was too little greenery at the North Pole, finally there was (The cat previously known as Tubby). They all joined Santa and slowly walked down to his sleigh.

Back home Mr Sinclair was in fine fettle and was repeatedly singing an “old Scottish folksong” called “Germanee, Germanee, were the famous Tartan Army and were off to Germanee”! Perhaps this time were going to win. Well a person can dream! The English women did really well, it’s amazing that the concept of women’s football began during WWI in the Munitions factories when the women were encouraged to take a break outside in the fresh air to remove toxins from their lungs. The football started as a kick-a-bout but developed into organized inter-munition factory matches and leagues. They were well attended as the war had restricted the majority of men’s games. For reasons unclear the women’s game was stopped after WWI until the early 1970’s, however they have come a long way in a relatively short time.

Mr Sinclair’s singing came to an abrupt end when a knock was heard on the front door. It was Sargeant Slammer with a packet of biscuits in his hand. He told me these were the best biscuits for dooking /dunking, they were tested down at the station and gave a full 6 seconds before they crumbled and fell into your tea. However I have a more pressing problem, tell me Mr Sinclair where are all your pets? Ronnie looked all around the house and outside but they were all gone!! According to Sargeant Slammer “for some reason most of the cats that were veterans of the Iceland and Holland trips were the only ones missing. I hate to be the one to tell you but I don’t think Meezer is the homebird that you think he is. All we know at this stage is that they were led away by a man in a Red jacket. Ronnie shouted upstairs to Grace, is there a Butlins in Caithness? NO!

Santa got all the pets onboard the sleigh, he than checked his Sat Nav and skelped its backside and they were away winging it towards Toy Town and the North Pole. Back up at the North Pole Mrs Claus was making a big tub of broth for everyone on their Arrival. They all arrived tired but relieved , they would all sleep like Christmas Logs tonight but afterwards they would all be very busy indeed.

The following morning all the pets assembled in the toy workshop they were learning to pick up small presents with their claws and the larger presents with their teeth. They also had to check the Naughty or Nice list and check what present were asked for when all the pets put their letter to Santa Paws and Santa Claws.

Meanwhile in the interests of Elf and safety an extra compartment was built onto Santas sleigh with a glass window to keep all the pets safe when traveling on Christmas Eve, by the time the Elves had finished they were ready for lunch. Around this time there was an elf drawing water from the well that they used to mix the Christmas icing. The poor elf almost fell in the well and was dangling over the top. In his shrill voice he shouted help! Fortunately Bessie the Beagle was near at hand and grabbed his little belt with her teeth and took him to the Elf Centre for an Elf check, no great harm was done.

The clock was counting down and, Mrs Claus was busy making her special broth with two special ingredients, one ingredient was to make the reindeer fly and for the cats and Bessie remain safe on top all the roofs, the other ingredient allowed for communication between Santa the Elves and the pets. It was now time to harness up the reindeer, one of the Elf’s told Rudolph “to hurray as there would be plenty of time to jig around to the Blue Bell Polka when they got home”. In the time-honoured fashion Mrs Claus saw them all off. The reindeer and the sleigh lifted up like magic and in a flash they were out of sight. She silently hoped they would all be ok.

The cats and dogs were all safe in their compartment however Young Tabby decided to wander off, he tapped Santa on the shoulder and said “Santa, did Sinterklaas the Dutch Santa ever play for Holland”? No said Santa” he’s too busy organizing Christmas” Santa told him to go back to the compartment and be careful. As young Tabby walked back he slipped on the wet wood and went careering towards the north Atlantic and the Azores. In America and Canada there was a special organisation called NORAD that tracked Santa’s Sleigh. A big picture of Young Tabby appeared on their Satellite screen. Mayday-Mayday do you read me Santa, one of your cats has fallen overboard. We think it’s the one with the long whiskers and the short attention span. Santa quickly relayed the message to Rudolph who double backed and went into a steep dive, a manoeuvre that would off made Jeremmy Clarkson proud. When the time was right Bessie the Beagle gripped hold of Tabby’s belt and pulled him to safety. The Fur-Baby alert was now over, all’s well that ends well, as they say.

The cats all told Santa it must be great being you Santa, but Santa had some different tails to tell. The hospitality we receive around the world is exceptional but sometimes it’s easy to over-indulge especially when the weather is cold. The reindeer were left carrots to help them see in the dark. In most houses we are left a glass of sherry or port or whisky and cake and biscuits or shortbread. Sometimes my bladder gets full and I have to run to a house toilet, I think this is what is called a SANTA DASH! It can be embarrassing when you have to be directed to the toilet by a young lad who sees Santa as a hero. Dad, Dad I saw Santa last night, he was needing to go for a pee. What did we tell you about telling lies Tommy!

Then there was George, who was told to shell (remove the outer leaves) from the brussel sprouts for Christmas dinner. They were in a panic as time was running out. Around 3am Santa arrived and dropped off the presents around the tree. George saw all of this and asked are you really Santa? Who said to him “ go outside and you’ll see my reindeer” George was shocked by the reindeer on the roof but still “keep it together” however when he saw his “guests” disappearing up the chimney it was all too much for George who fainted and fell on the carpet spread-eagled like a comatose snow angel. George’s wife was in the kitchen mumbling under her breath, never again – never again! She then shouted to George have you finished the sprouts! George!, George?

Being Santa is not all it’s cracked up to be, on a few occasions, I was dropping off the bigger presents by the Christmas Tree. When some people came into the room they accused me of stealing the presents around the tree. I won’t tell you exactly what I’d been called because the Elf’s have big ears but suffice to say I’ve been called a Thief with a very high BM Index and questionable parentage.

All was going well with Santa and the helpers who were now dropping of presents on the South Island of New Zealand, very soon they would be home for Polar Pie and a well-deserved glass or two of Egg-Nog.

Mrs Claus was out to greet Santa’s return and they all had a steaming bowl of broth. The Night had been a resounding success but what of the Pet Owners back in Thurso who were frantic with worry --- again!

Ronnie & Grace decided they would take a look in the fields one last time before bedtime. I will take out our trusty torch and take some spare batteries in case the torch cuts out and we are stranded in the field ourselves!

Trying to take my mind of the situation I recalled when I was young getting a toy garage for Christmas. I was beyond happy, it had two levels and a ramp that you could lift the cars up to the top level and also had wee petrol pumps. That wonderful feelings leaves us as we get older but what if it remained for life. For example if you were feeling depressed you could go to the doctor and they could write out a prescription for four Dinky Cars. As you were leaving the consultation she may say “if some of the symptoms persist come back in a fortnight and we could prescribe for your a Scalextric racing set”. Ahh to dream!

I was staring at the settee and looking at the Cushions or what women call soft furnishings. Now, if a man was given three cushions to place on the settee they would put a small cushion on each end and the bigger cushion in the middle. A woman would probably put the small and big cushion on one end, the other cushion in the centre and none in the far corner. It’s called style, apparently.

I remember one day Grace arrived home from “the street” with candles long and as big as your fist. I said that “they’ll be handy in a power-cut”. Grace looked at me as if I was the last of the Philistines. She explained that these were not lighting candles, these were special candles. For argument-sake let’s just say that I was playing with my therapeutic Dinky toys and became so excited that I had to run to the toilet. The power had just gone off and in scrambling to find the toilet I fell over all these “special” candles that could not be lit and aggravated my gammy knee further. The World’s gone Crazy!

Another item that has become popular during the last few years is THE THROW. Women like to buy different throws which is no bad thing because you could cocoon yourself in one and wait for the Gas & Electric bills to drop to an affordable level.

There is no point in staying up any later it’s time for some sleep. My bedtime agenda has changed a bit of late. I go to bed 30 minutes earlier this gives me a full 30 minutes to get my socks off. It also reduces the grunting and groaning and “colourful language”. I can see where the term cross dresser came from. Grace has often said that when I’m trying to get my socks on it sounds as if someone is upstairs riding a Pogo Stick! In the morning I give myself an extra half to stare at the ceiling and psych myself up to put the socks back on again.

Back to the story : It was about 3.30 am when a loud Meow was heard outside followed by a hound baying. We hurried down the stairs and behind the door we found the pets all waiting to get in. It was the most wonderful Christmas gift you could possibly get. Little tiddles was a bit cold so we placed her on her favourite spot, the Sky Box and put on the telly where she could watch her favourite show featuring songs from the early sixties. We switched the TV onto the Phil Mack show and by good luck they were playing The Platters, Tiddles was as happy as a pig in plop!

It was now late Christmas Eve / early Christmas morning but with all the excitement neither Grace nor myself were ready for bed. I suggested we watch a movie. Grace thought Pride and Prejudice or Mamma Mia was a good choice, I meekly suggested something more seasonal, a film called (The Zombies that saved Toytown). It was based on a true story ----- allegedly.

After watching Mamma Mia we had a short sleep and then we were up on Christmas Day. We have a Christmas Tradition of having nice coffee with croissants & butter at breakfast time. Grace also has her own personal tradition and that is to ban me from the kitchen when the dinners underway. She can’t abide people lifting pan lids and poking about the kitchen. I’m having a wee bit of fun with Grace but believe me it would be a poor Christmas or any other time of year without her!

We both wandered through to the sitting room and to our amazement there were gifts left for the pets. As it turned out they were Christmas Hampers for all the pets. The hampers were full of food-treats and toys for them all. Neither of us had left out any presents and we were puzzled how they got there. When the wrapping paper was removed the meaty smell was too much for Bessie and she started drooling. Her drooling reminded me of a documentary I saw with a snake handler removing the venom from a poisonous snake! There were tags on each present that read, from Santa and on the reverse side it said “thank-you for all your help”. At the bottom of the tree there was one present left it was also for NATO. Grace opened the jar it was an ointment yet it sparkled like moonlight on virgin snow. There was a short letter inside,” To NATO a special little pussycat, I have made you an ointment containing my special ingredient that makes the reindeer fly. Grace, please rub a little into his gammy paw and his foot will be more buoyant thus taking the pain away. Lots of love Mary Claus xx” The Sinclair’s shouted God Bless us while little NATO raised his gammy paw and shouted in his Cat Language, God Bless us EVERYONE!!

It’s important to make sure the peanut butter does not contain Xylitol as it is toxic to dogs. This recipe is not suitable for those with nut allergies.

Pre-heat the oven to 180 degrees C. Add the xylitol -free peanut butter and hot water in a bowl and, give it a good mix. Add the banana to the bowl and blend until smooth using a hand blender.

Add the flour to the bowl and bring together using your hands to form a dough. Lightly flour your work surface and roll out the dough to about 1 cm thick. Cut out the biscuits using shapes (Christmas Shapes), or whatever you like.

Place the biscuits on a lined baking tray and bake at 180 Degrees C for 15-20 minutes or until golden brown. When they are thoroughly cooked, remove them from the oven and leave them to cool completely. The biscuits can be stored in an air-tight container for up to 10 days.

Ingredients : 1 lb of lamb or ox liver. 1 lb of self-raising, flour. 3 eggs. Milk (ideally lactose free) or water.

Crack the eggs into a measuring jug and whisk. Blend the liver in a food processor. Add the egg mixture and flour. Blend it to a sponge mixture consistency,

Empty the contents into a greased baking tray and bake at 180 degrees C or 350 F for 35-45 minutes. Allow to cool then divide into 12 pieces and freeze.

Ingredients : 140 grams of canned tuna, drained. 1 egg, 120 grams of oatmeal. 1 tablespoon of sunflower oil and 1 to 2 tablespoons of water.

Pre-heat the oven to 180 degrees C. Whisk the tuna, egg and oil with the mixer. Then add the oatmeal and water and stir until it becomes a consistent dough.

Form small balls from the dough and place them on a baking sheet lined with baking paper. Cat Biscuits with tuna needs around 12 – 15 minutes in the oven until they are ready.

Ingredients include 200 grams of minced chicken, 2 tablespoons of catnip and 1 egg white. Pre-heat the oven to 150 degrees C / 300F.

In a small bowl, mix the chicken, catnip and egg white using a fork. Then place the chicken mixture in between two sheets of parchment paper and using a rolling pin, roll it until it is very flat and thin.

Then carefully remove the top parchment paper and place the one with the mixture on a baking sheet. Bake for 50 minutes.

The chicken will be cooked and dried out a bit. Cut into small pieces and allow to cool before you offer it to your kitties. Store in a container in the fridge.

“These are good recipes for children to get involved as there is always things they can do.”

“This Bedtime Story is for the young ones and, has been updated since it last appeared several years ago.”

It was a cold February morning and the rain had melted the ice to form a small island close to the North Pole. The island was called the Island of Broken Toys because all damaged or broken toys were shipped here after Christmas. Santa and his Chief Elves would row out to the island to pick up some of the toys to see if they could be made stronger or better.

As they started to fill their sack they were shocked to hear a whimpering coming from behind a pile of toys. It was a poor puppy and kitten huddled together to try to keep warm. Someone had sadly thrown them away after Christmas and they ended up on the Ship of broken toys. Their fur was wet and they were both shivering. Santa took pity on the poor souls and rowed back to the North Pole as fast as he could.

When they arrived at Santa’s house Mrs Claus felt so sorry for the wet shivering dog and cat. She put extra logs on the fire and made them some porridge to eat. They lapped and lapped the porridge until the plates were clean, they almost licked the pattern off the plate! At supper time Mrs Claus made them her special Scotch Broth which they also lapped and lapped until the plates were “cleaned” once again. Over time the puppy and kitten grew strong and healthy and had turned into the most beautiful animals. Main-while the Elves had managed to make improvements to some of the broken toys, Santa was greatly relieved.

It was getting near to Christmas and the cat was eager to help out at the toy factory where she would chase away Arctic mice from nibbling at the Xmas presents. Santa told the Elves to ask the dog to keep a close eye on Rudolph to stop him leaving his stable and having a Ceilidh with his Aviemore cousins. Santa usually confiscates Rudolph’s “Jimmy Shand Records” around the 21^st of December.

Meanwhile Santa was at his workshop checking his letters to the North Pole. Santa was worried about the number of letters he was receiving for gifts for pets. Santa slumped back in his chair and wondered if was going to be able to deliver all the presents along-side all the growing number pet presents. He then had a brilliant idea!

Santa then told the elves to switch of all the toy machinery and grab a glass of Egg-Nog from a wooden barrel. He then ushered in all the reindeer and told Blitzen to close the door from the cold draught. Santa then told all the reindeer to help themselves to some “lichen smoothies”. Santa then said, “I have an important announcement to make”!

See this cat and dog beside me, they were rejected by this world but they will soon be the envy of all the worlds cats and dogs. In order that I can continue to deliver all the presents around the world, I need helpers. This cat and dog will help me to deliver all the pet presents, from this day onward this dog will be known as SANTA PAWS and this cat will be known as SANTA CLAWS. The cats’ whiskers bristled with excitement and the dog ‘s tail was in a permanent wag. The reindeer and the Elves were delighted and there was soon a celebration.

It was now the 23^rd of December and Santa Paws and Santa Claws were being fitted out with their cute little red uniforms like Santa. Mrs Claus had done a great job and was just finishing cutting the loose threads with her teeth. Mary had very strong teeth!

There was a great buzz and excitement at the North Pole. Mrs Claus was stirring her special broth which was bubbling in the pot. It was now time to add the special ingredient, seven teaspoons no more /no less and she stirred it in well. This ingredient made the reindeers fly however too much of the ingredient and the reindeer had trouble descending to the houses while too little had them landing on the roof slates. This is why children sometimes hear the reindeer hooves, “tap dancing” along the roof. As the broth cooled off the reindeer each guzzled their bowl clean.

Santa then took the Reindeer out into the open yard and harnesses them in pairs, with Rudolph guiding the sleigh at the front. Santa took a “wet wipe” to Rudolph’s nose to make sure it was glowing bright red. He then fitted 2 sleighbells to the sleigh and called Santa Paws and Santa Claws over. Mrs Claus stood at the doorway to see them all off just as she had done these past thousands of years, but this year was different, Santa had new helpers.

The sleigh started to move with the snow cracking beneath it in the cold winter air. First Rudolph was up in the air followed by Prancer and Dancer then Cupid and Comet, Vixen and Dasher and, with a jerk came the sleigh with Donner and Blitzen. They all waved goodbye to Mrs Claus with Santa Paws and Santa Claws quivering with excitement in their cute little costumes. Mrs Claus watched the cold night sky but soon there were no sound of sleighbells and the sleigh quickly disappeared into the night. Mrs Claus had seen many a Christmas Eve yet this one seemed different. Much had happened since Santa arrived on the Island of Broken Toys!

1818 : The Christmas Carol known as “Silent Night” or Stille Nacht was first sung in an Austrian church. It was written for guitar to give the parishioners something festive to sing as the church organ was under repair.

1938 : Hollywood director George Cukor announced that Actress Vivien Leigh would be playing Scarlett O’Hara in the forthcoming movie, (Gone With The Wind).

1914 : On one of the coldest nights on the Western Front of WWI, British and German soldiers meet up on no-mans-land to exchange gifts and even managed a game of football.

1643 : Christmas Island is founded and named by Captain William Mynors of the East India Shipping Company. The vessel was called The Royal Mary.

1223 : This was the year that Francis of Assisi assembled the first Nativity scene in Greccio, Italy.

1957 : Richard Starkey (better known as Ringo Starr) received his first drum kit.

1948 : This was the year that the (North American Aerospace Defence Command a joint organisation of the USA and Canada first tracked Santa’s Sleigh, the predecessor to NORAD. On December 24^th, 1948 the USAF issued an early warning that their radar had identified a sleigh powered by 8 reindeer at 14,000ft progressing from the North-Pole. Thus started the tradition of tracking Santa’s Sleigh, now by NORAD each year from midnight on the 23^rd of December.

1831 : Louisiana and Arkansas are the first US states to observe Christmas as a holiday.

1973 : The football award known as the (Ballon d’Or) was awarded to Ajax forward Johan Cruyff for the second time as best European football player. He was voted ahead of Juventus goalkeeper Dino Zoff and Bayern Munich striker Gerd Muller.

1974 : A very destructive cyclone known as (Tracy) virtually destroyed Darwin in Australia.

2003 : The ill-fated Beagle 2 probe which was released from the Mars Express Spacecraft was to disappear shortly before its scheduled landing.

1,085AD : The Domesday Book is now compiled after William the Conqueror orders a survey of all England to determine who owns what.

1968 : Astronauts Frank Borman, Bill Anders and Jim Lovell give a reading of the Book of Genesis from space to those on Earth at Christmas. The reading was uplifting for many Americans as 1968 was a very difficult year.

1800 : Britain’s first Christmas Tree is put up at Windsor by Queen Charlotte.

1950 : The song Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer was the most popular song that year, sung by Gene Autry and Bing Crosby.

1939 : Rudolph first appeared as part of a market campaign for retailer Montgomery Ward.

1492 : Christopher Columbus’s flagship the Santa Maria runs aground and sinks on the north coast of Hispaniola. The crew were left to begin a colony as Columbus returned to Spain.

1947 : The tree that sits in Trafalgar each year is a gift given by the city of Oslo in Norway. It is given each year in gratitude to the people of Britain for their assistance during the war years of 1940 – 1945.

336AD : Jesus Christ’s birthday is first recorded as being observed on this day December 25^th. It was not until the Middle Ages that the celebration of Christmas Day began to take on the form we would recognize today.

1) On what planet in our Solar System is the home of the nasty Santa from Futurama. _ _ _ _ U _ _

2) In Futurama, can you name the 30^th Century Harlem Globe Trotter who’s also an expert in the field of Astro Physics ? _ _ _ _ _ E _ U _

3) In the Tin-Tin book, (Prisoners of the Sun), which natural event saved Tin-Tin’s life? A _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

4) In the cartoon strip (Fred Basset) can you name Fred’s two best friends? - - - - & - - - K –

5) When the rich Texan from the Simpsons was to say “May the lord have mercy on your gas sniffing, orphan beating souls”, which 2 individuals was he talking to. First names only - - - - - & - - -

6) According to the Broons, what is the name of their local fish and chip shop - - - -‘ s

7) Tin- Tin creator Herge’s father and uncle would go for long walks in the parks in their native Belgium. Herge based 2 characters in his books on his father and uncle? - - - - H - - - S - - - - - - -

8) In Tin-Tin and (The Dark Island), which clothing would Tin-Tin wear for the first and only time? - - - - - - T

9) Could you give the full name of Futurama’s, Zap Brannigan’s Assistant. - - - C - - - - - -

10) Springfield Principle, Seymour Skinner often has flashbacks to his time in service in Vietnam. Can you tell where he was stationed?

11) According to Fred Basset who are the greatest threat to him and his pals? - - - G - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

12) Mary Spuckler the “hillwilliam” daughter of Cletus won the heart of which Simpson’s character?

13) Can you name the nasty “sheep worrying” dog/robot in Wallace and Gromit? - - E - - - -

17) What make of cheese is the favourite of both Wallace and Gromit? - - - - - - - D - - -

19) According to the Broons a “Click” is the term used to describe one of Daphne Broon’s - - Y - - - - - - - This click should not be confused with the Click programme on BBC which is best described as (Tomorrows World on steroids)

20) Groundskeeper Willie from the Simpsons visits his friend in Scotland, Angus McLeod in which town? - O - - - - I - - - - - -

“Christmas-Time in the North-Pole usually runs like clockwork however there was one year that Santa’s smooth operation was tested to the limit”!

It was the night before Christmas and Santa was in a panic because Rudolph had not returned from his malt whisky trail in Scotland. He had met up with his cousins, a reindeer herd from Aviemore and they had been partying these past few nights. Santa told Donner and Blitzen to go and find him. Mrs Claus went to make a pot of strong coffee for Rudolph but all the coffee was gone. The new elves had drunk it all, they were replacements for four of his elves that had a “heavy head cold” and were off sick. The replacement elves came from Lapland, but Santa preferred North-Polish labour. Many presents were still unwrapped! Santa told Cupid to buy some coffee from the North-Star-Bucks.

A little later Mrs Clause shouted at Santa, “my mother is coming to stay for a month” she had changed her energy supplier and now her house was so cold her tongue got stuck to the window. Santa thought, “it’s a pity her tongue wouldn’t stay stuck, some Christmas this is turning out to be”! In the byre the Elves were trying to sober up Rudolph, between gulps of strong coffee he was still tapping his hoofs to the sound of “The Northern Lights”. As Santa checked over all the equipment he noticed a big hole in his Toy sack, nibbled away by polar mice. At this point Santa was so angry and frustrated that he let rip with the loudest profanity ever heard in the Polar region, well the loudest since Brian Blessed arrived at the Magnetic North Poll. The snow began to loosen and started falling from the hill tops.

When the Elves had gone for coffee Rudolph slipped out, and he was seen tippy tapping with his hoofs on the cobble stones to the tune of Jimmy Shand’s “Bluebell Polka”. Santa shook his head in dismay, “It’s true what they say, you can take the Reindeer out the Highlands but you can’t take the Highlands out of the reindeer”. The Elves felt that the strong coffee was not working on Rudolph so they returned to the kitchen to make Rudolph some elf-food, a big plate of Vegetarian Haggis, Neeps and Tatties which he quickly devoured. Now with a warm full belly, Rudolph quickly fell asleep in the hay. The elves bolted the door and left him to get some much-needed rest before the evening activities began. Mrs Claus then informed Santa that the “special ingredient” that makes reindeer fly was running low, they just can’t get the sleigh drivers!

Santa felt it best to try and calm-down, so he returned to the house where Mrs Claus was making the special-broth for everyone. Santa checked his watch, and it was only an hour left to take off and the sleigh’s Furry Dice had not been washed nor did he have a new air-freshener. Mrs Claus asked Santa why do you bother with an air-freshener? Santa replied, “If you had to travel all around the world staring at the (business end) of nine reindeer you would want one too! As Santa sat despairing with his head in his hands a soft gentle knock was heard at the door. When Santa opened the door there stood a Christmas Fairy dressed like a ballerina with many gems and pearls. In her left hand she held a wand that shone bright like a star and in her right hand she had a Christmas tree, a gift for Santa. The fairy checked around the room and asked where she could put it.

“And that, folks, is why you always find a Fairy at the top of a Christmas Tree”!

“Let’s take a look at the different customs at Christmas from around the world.”

In Chile, Santa is called Viejo Pascuero, or old man Christmas. Children leave out a delicious dish of Pan de Pascua, a sponge-cake sweetened with honey and given a zing of ginger, a perfect energy food.

In the Netherlands it is Sinterklaas and his eight-legged horse who deliver the presents. On Christmas Eve, Dutch children leave out water, hay and a carrot for the horse. Sinterklaas does not take anything as he is full up with biscuits and wants to give his stomach a rest.

In the UK there are variations in different households but generally Santa gets a glass of milk, beer, sherry or whisky and a mince pie (which is a fruit pie) and some biscuits to munch on. Rudolph and his pals are given some carrots to eat to help them see in the dark! Children send a letter to Santa prior to Christmas which was traditionally put up the chimney. Santa would check if the children had been naughty or nice with the good children receiving presents on Christmas morning. At Christmas Santa and the reindeer come down the chimney by magic.

Regional variations do occur and in the Scottish Highlands it is “alleged” that all the Reindeer, tuck into a large plate of freshly “caught” Vegetarian Haggis, Neeps and Tatties. Vegetarian Haggis is quite easy to “catch” as the vegetarian types have been glueing themselves to the A9 lately! To make them all feel at home the house owner plays, “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” and the “Bluebell Polka” on a continuous loop. In Highland homes it is customary to leave out a bowl of soapy water . This is for Santa to wash all the bugs off his fluffy dice”. Santa is given a glass of Whisky or Sherry and a wedge of shortbread he may even be given a Hob-Nob or two.

In Argentina gifts are left out on the 5^th January for the Magi, the kings who are on their journey to meet the baby Jesus in Bethlehem. Children collect hay and provide water for the king’s horses to give them the energy to reach their precious goal.

In Poland St Nicholas Day is celebrated on the 6^th December and children hope to get a small present from St Nicholas, often left in a shoe, under a pillow or nearby fireplace. However, if you had been naughty, you can expect little more than a twig branch left in your shoe. A popular dish for Christmas Eve includes Carp, Herring and Poppy-seed Cake. Christmas eve supper is known as “Wigilia” and is cherished by the Polish people as is singing Christmas Carols. The dinner table is set with 12 dishes and cutlery which represents the 12 Apostles.

In most Polish homes, an empty seat with a set of dishes and cutlery is left over for a traveler or a homeless person so that they can join the hosts and celebrate on Christmas Eve.

Australia is hot at Christmas time, so Santa’s job can be thirsty work. Families make sure he stays refreshed and jolly by leaving him a nice cold beer. He also gets cookies to line his stomach and the reindeer enjoy their carrots and water. On Christmas morning the Children children open up their presents, but it is very hot for Christmas dinner, so the Australians wait until later in the evening when it’s cooler to have a European Style Christmas dinner.

In Denmark Santa is known as Julemand and he is treated to a dish of sweet rice pudding called Risengrod. After a million or two bowls this will probably sit heavily on his stomach, so he washes it down with plenty coffee. It is common in all Scandinavian countries to tie sheaves of corn to the top of poles as a treat for the birds. Like most countries children send a letter to Santa in the hope of receiving a gift of their choice.

Filipinos start to celebrate the Christmas season three months in advance. As early as September they start getting ready to say “Maligayang Pasko” or Merry Christmas. Christmas carolers start coming around singing outside homes during November and December. Children get to stay up late in the evening and lots of food is served after midnight when the children get to open their presents under the tree. When the children eventually go to bed, they look forward to the morning to see if Santa has brought anything else.

The Parol (pah-Rol) is a Filipino star lantern made of wood, paper or thin metal. There is also a popular shell called Capiz (Cah-peez). These lanterns light up the dark with beautiful colours and are an ever-present part or the Filipino holidays.

In Germany the children believe that Father Christmas or Weihnachtsmann appreciates the gift of reading over more food. The children therefore leave him books to read on his long journey. How-ever Father Christmas could be given a slice of Stolen, (Weihnactsstollen) a rich fruit cake/bread with a cup of coffee. If the weather is very cold Santa might be given a glass of Schnapps.

In America children leave out a glass of milk and a plate of cookies for Santa, it is usual; for his reindeer to receive a few carrots for energy and to help them see in the dark. Children in America receive a letter from Santa. When Santa leaves the North-Pole he travels all around the world to deliver his presents. His progress can be tracked by (NORAD Tracks Santa). The Santa tracking begins at midnight on December 23^rdeach year . The setting out of food for Santa and his reindeer began in America during the 1930’s (Depression) when parents wanted their children to learn to share food with others.

In France, children leave carrots for Santa’s reindeer and biscuits for Pere Noel in their shoes. The carrots and biscuits disappear, and, in the morning, Pere Noel leaves them candy, cookies and other small treats. In parts of France, shepherds carrying candles take a new- born lamb to church to have it blessed.

Although Christianity is relatively new to Asia, 30% of Koreans celebrate Sung-tan-jul or Christmas which is a public holiday. The children know Santa as a happy Grandfather or Santa Harabujee. Stores in South Korea employ Santa’s to greet shoppers and to handout chocolate and candies. The stores are spectacularly lit up with all manner of lights. People in South Korea don’t exchange many presents but usually it’s just one main present which may take the form of a gift of money which is customary. On Christmas Eve/ Christmas day many South Koreans like to eat out at restaurants, buffet food is also popular.

In Sweden presents are delivered by Tomte (The Gnome), Tomte is given lots of coffee to keep him warm. In Sweden the Christmas season begins on the 13^th of December with the feast of St Lucia. On that day the youngest girl in the family portrays Lucia. Christmas Eve dinner begins with each member of the family putting a piece of bread into a bowl of pork dripping and eating it to bring good luck.

In the Dominican Republic there are carol singers going from house to house with guitars and steel drums. A large fireworks display is put on for the children who have 2 separate days of celebration, Christmas Day and January 6^th (the day of the 3 kings). On this day children put out their shoes to encourage the Three Wise Men to bring them gifts. In return the children leave a bowl of water and a handful of grass for the traveler’s horse.

In Iceland the “Yule Lads” are mischievous trolls who live hidden in the mountains or highlands of Iceland. During December they come down from the mountains, one on each day of December. They have interesting names such as Spoon Licker, Sausage Swiper, Bowl Licker and Window Peeper to name a few. On Christmas Eve the last Yule Lad arrives in town, he is the most popular troll and is called Candle Beggar.

The children await the coming of the Yule Lads with great anticipation, leaving their shoes on the windowsill of their room as the Yule Lads bring small treats for the children who have been good, while leaving an old potato with those children who have been naughty. There is also a Christmas “monster” known as the Yule Cat, the legend dating back to the Middle Ages. This feline, taller than a building who stares into windows on Christmas eve, making sure the children receive socks.

“Allegedly” a few years ago a sausage swiper was spotted in Reykjavik in the Month of July! This was not a genuine troll as they were all sleeping in the mountains. It is believed that this troll had floppy ears, black, tan and white markings and a waggy tail. As fast as he/she stole the sausages it was never to be seen in Iceland again”!

*In Scotland it’s considered bad luck if your fire goes out on Christmas Eve. *

* In Canada it is believed to be bad luck if the cat starts to meow in the house on Christmas- Eve, so the family pet is given some extra food to keep him/her quiet! *

The latest cold spell has brought chaos to parts of the UK. An announcement heard on BBC Radio was to say, “The Open-Air Winter Wonderland Show in Cardiff, Wales has been closed due to snow!

Grandpa decided that shopping for Christmas presents had become too difficult. All his grandchildren had most of what they needed, so he decided to send them each a cheque. On each card he wrote, Happy Christmas from Grandpa. PS : (You can buy your own presents).

Now, while Grandpa was enjoying the family festivities he thought that his grandchildren were slightly distant. It prayed on his mind into the New Year, then one day he was sorting out his study and under a pile of magazines he found a little pile of cheques, meant for the grandchildren. He had completely forgotten to put them in with the Christmas Cards!

Anyone who believes that men have greater craft skills than a woman have clearly never seen a man wrap a Christmas present!

It was just before Christmas and the magistrate was in a jovial mood. He asked the prisoner who was in the dock, “what are you charged with” The prisoner replied, “doing my Christmas shopping too soon”. “That’s no crime” said the magistrate. “Just how early were you doing this shopping”? The prisoner answered, “before the shop opened”!

One day before Christmas the family dog’s feelings were hurt when it’s owners brought a big Christmas tree into the house yet the dog was not allowed to bring as much as a twig home after a walk. The dog was not one to bear grudges so he made sure the tree was watered daily!

One night two brothers were at home sheltering from the northern cold. One brother was the famous explorer Eric the Red and his Viking brother who was married and named Rudolph the Red, who looked out his window and turned to his wife and said, “It’s going to rain. “How did you know that” she asked. “Because”, he replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain dear.”

One day in mid-October the chief of a native American tribe was asked by his tribal elders if the winter was going to be cold or mild. The chief asked his medicine-man, but he too had lost touch with the reading of signs from the natural world around the Great Lakes. In truth, neither of them had an idea about how to predict the coming winter however, the chief rang the National Weather Service in Gaylord, Michigan.

“Yes it’s going to be a cold winter”, the meteorologist officer told the chief”. Consequently, he went back to the tribe and told the men to collect plenty fire-wood. A fortnight later the chief called the weather service again and asked for a weather update. “Are you still forecasting a cold winter”? the chief asked. “Yes very cold”, the weather officer told him. As a result of this brief conversation the chief went back to the tribe and told his people to collect every bit of wood they could find.

A month later the chief called the National Weather Service and asked about the coming winter weather. He was told “it was going to be one of the coldest winters ever”. “How can you be sure” the chief asked? The weatherman replied, “Because the Native Americans of the Great Lakes are collecting wood like crazy”!!